Hi Craig, You ave been on my mind a lot lately, time is speeding by and it seems inconceivable to me that I have not seen or heard from you in so long - it is now 1180 days since the last time I saw you in the flesh. I have gradually over time gotten over my intense grief and loss of you, it is still there but not what it was like in the first year. I still think of you every day and it helps that I have your beautiful artwork on the walls of my house and of course photos of you, to always remind me of what I have lost, but......
I miss you and I love you to the moon and back, and will ALWAYS have my door open to you, not matter what. That is a promise I will keep until I am no longer here. Even if I move, I will never change my phone number, so you can always reach me.
I am actually happy, but not because you are not here with me, but because I have gotten rid of of a heavy cloud that has sat over me for more than 30 years and I am going to explain that to you....it is not you that was the cloud so don't get me wrong....it is the cloud of what I was hiding from everyone for all those years. I cannot explain the relief from having that cloud lifted and I only regret not having lifted it much earlier, because if I had done that, I would still have you here.
I know you are doing well, you are a great guy and a hard worker and no matter what happens, I know you are and will be successful, I just wish I was able to experience it with you. You would have been successful in life regardless of whether you had gotten yourself involved in Scientology or not. That I am 100% sure of.
You know me well and I know you well......you know I am not a suppressive person and you know that Dad and I tried our best with you kids and as far as I am concerned, we brought up 3 amazing people.
The cloud I am talking about is this: Living with the knowledge of the truth of scientology, the sea org and LRH. You know I was born into this, you know I was in the Sea Org at the highest levels, you know that I worked with LRH for almost 10 years.....I have always had the inside information....you know, I knew Miscavige personally and even recruited him into the CMO. I have the inside scoop and carried the weight of that knowledge for more than 30 years and never once told my parents what I knew and I certainly kept it from all of my very close friends, they had no idea I was ever involved in this. You kids knew some of it, but certainly not all and it was kept under wraps by me because of FEAR, FEAR of the horrible, terrible thing called - DISCONNECTION. I was in fear of being disconnected by my parents; my siblings and others, but my family was the most important thing and I could not and would lose all of them, especially my parents. I stayed under the radar for over 30 years without once ever going into an org and it never became a problem with my family, until 2010 ( where Dad and I, to keep you and Brandon and our family together, tried to get things "handled", but of course it did not work because we could not stand what was happening). It was an awful feeling not being able to talk about what I knew or what I felt, that I really did not want to have anything to do with it.
The threat of disconnection is having absolute control. Disconnection = Control. I personally do not care what someone believes in, if someone wants to be a scientologist or a Buddhist or a Catholic or whatever, if they feel that it helps them in their life, then go for it, but when disconnection is thrown in there as a control mechanism, it is so wrong. Then if a person wants to leave or talk about their experiences they are then fair gamed and you know what I am talking about, but maybe you don't even know that this is happening now. The church almost destroyed Brandon, but because of the hard work and love and care from Dad and myself, he is doing the best he has done in more than 10 years and is doing really well. We are so proud of him. You even fair gamed us by doing a hateful video of us, but Dad and I know you are under their control, because if you had not complied with doing that video you would have been in huge trouble. Dad nor I hold that against you and never will because we have an understanding of what the control is like. You would have had the "bridge" denied to you and/or disconnected from, which in your world is the worst thing that could ever happen.
It is kind of like politics........just don't talk politics with friends and family who may be on the opposite side than you. That is what I did with my family, never talked about scientology and therefore there were never any problems UNTIL the hammer came down on who is talking to who, who is connected to who; who is not "onlines"; who is doing nothing and it all becomes a huge witch hunt.
You may think you are free, but in actual fact, you are not - you cannot communicate to anyone in your direct family, a family who you loved and who love you.
I know you may never read this. It has kind of taken me a long while to really get that, but maybe just maybe, one day you will experience something that will make you think and realize what you have lost and you will start looking. If I am still alive, I am here for you but if I am not, then at least you will know what I wanted to tell you. Even if it is 50 years from now.............I want you to be able to know how much we love you.
We are doing well and are happy because the cloud has been lifted........we no longer to have watch our p's and q's or who we communicate with. All of my friends know everything....I no longer live with that horrible fear of DISCONNECTION. The church can fair game me all they want.....it will have no effect on me any longer. We have even had PI's watching the house........but at this time we are not a big target.
I will continue to speak out as much as possible so the truth is out there. I am happily doing this without that fear........and you may think that someone else "suppressive" has me under their control, but believe me, that is the furthest from the truth, this is all me and I am on a determined mission to get disconnection, fair game, and anything else that is a control mechanism, stopped.
I will keep posting of course and keep you updated on what is happening in our lives and sending you as much love as I can.